This is what I titled my update last Christmas. So much has happened since then. Confrontation, Graduation, Advance Crew and summer at Qwanoes, two concussions (one of which I'm still healing from), starting my job at MCI and surviving the first semester here. It hasn't been easy, but I'm learning what it means to cling to Christ. I'm also learning how what I want and what I need are two completely different things; and that often what I want is not what is best for me and sometimes something I should literally RUN from. I have come to realize that I tend to be one selfish human who doesn't always think far ahead when making decisions, partly because I'm afraid of making the wrong choice and because I'm human. I find that I am often disappointed in the selfish decisions I make realizing after the fact that I could have turned the other way and instead make the "right" choice.
A friend once told me the story of a man named Smith Wigglesworth.
One evening he woke up, and Satan himself was at the foot of his bed. Smith remarked "Oh, it's you!" And he laughed and rolled over, falling back to sleep.
This story caused me to think of how the Devil tempts us and does his best to lead us astray. Wether it be in the things we do, think, or anything really. Often for me it's deciding to read my Bible instead of turning on the television, or even what to eat. Garbage in garbage out...or like one of my College professors, Carl Hinderager always said:
"What goes down in the well comes up in the bucket."
What a simple truth this is, but I've been realizing that it takes a lot more than a one time decision to change old habits.
During the time I spent at Briercrest College as a student, every Sunday after church, there was a sort of small group I was a part of called "House Church". The house where this took place was on the complete opposite end of town, it literally couldn't have been any further away from the church building than it was (not that it takes more than 10mins to walk anywhere in Caronport). Now, there were two paths one could take on the way to House Church. One way was staying on the street, which took a bit longer, but there was more shelter from the wind because of the other buildings on the street of this Prairie town. The other way which did cut a few minutes off our time of arrival (though we were never really in a great rush), was to cut across the field and walk past the house on the corner. The first time my fellow House Church goer's and I did this there was no problem until we heard rather vicious sounding barks, and saw a large Rottweiler running at full tilt towards us. We soon learned that this animal was called Max (or something to that likeness). Thankfully, before Max could reach us there was a squeal followed by more barking, but the dog was no longer running toward us due to the chain that was securely (or so we hoped) attached to his collar. After that run-in, it was only on occasion that we took path number two.
If I want to live my life serving God and following the teachings of Jesus Christ, then I'd better live it out. It's one thing for me to say it, but what I say means nothing until I actually live it out. The brutal reality of this fact is...well, brutal. They say the the truth hurts; and it can if we are not living in it. I'm learning that I must set aside my wants and perceived needs, my lists, fears, anxieties, wonderings, and everything that holds me back (like the chain that held Max back from us on our way to House Church) and just LIVE. I do realize that these are REALLY big words for little 'ol me, and that's why I'm not saying that this is what I'm doing, but what I'm learning. I pray that I will be able to look back on this post and say that this is when I truly did start living and stopped being held back by the world any longer. I guess this is where patience and being constant comes in. When I have no idea what's going on with my life and what is to come; and also as I choose Who I am going to live my life for (me or God). I've realized that is a choice I need to make everyday. In my last year at Briercrest, there were a few months where it was all I could do to simply wake up in the morning, do my best to put myself together and walk to class. Those mornings before I opened my eyes, and before my feet hit the floor I said:
"Lord, please help me to get out of bed today. Help me to love You with my life."
It was incredible how, even in the hard things, I could see God in those days. How I felt compelled to talk with Him about everything and have Him be the last one I talked to at night and the first one I talked to in the morning. Being constant in prayer is what holds me together. Even when it seems like the world is falling apart, His reassurance keeps me going.
I am learning to rejoice in the little things, like the Northern Lights on the way home from a long night at work, or a text from a friend letting me know that they're thinking of me. Trusting that God knows what He is doing when I feel so lost and alone in the world gives me hope and a reason to rejoice.
Romans 12:12 "Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer."
